After a long and unwelcome hiatus Pastrami suddenly burst back into my life yesterday. He had just returned from a trip to Jaipur recently. (Brother of Pastrami is getting married soon and Pastrami needs to keep popping up to Rajasthan once in a while to hang around the house looking delicate and sensitive with Blackberry in hand while the natives do all the hard work. “It is only what an elder brother should do…” Pastrami says.)But this recent trip had been very traumatic for him. He called to narrate a most unpleasant occurrence at his home, amidst his latest trip, that had him all shook up. I immediately suggested we pop over to the buffet dinner at the President and discuss it over smoked salmon. He agreed.
This thought came to me: Kaching!

Pastrami, for all the investment banking bluster and bravado, (“What do you mean you don’t have this Nike in my size? I will withdraw my Debt-convertible-to-Equity investment in your sorry ass retailing company right now mofo!”) is really a softy. Small things can shake him up badly and this story had his feathers ruffled much.

Sidin: “So what happened dawg?”

Pastrami: “So I am at home see. And they’re discussing the whole lunch buffet thingie…”

Sidin: “Day three?” (These extravagant North Indian weddings I tell you…)

Pastrami: “Day four. Daal bhatti churma and all that.”

Sidin: “Ah. Ok.”

Pastrami: “Now you know how it is with the kids back home and all their general questions about life and education and such like…”

Sidin: “Yes. You are supposed to be the resident genius yes?”

Pastrami: “Exactly!”

Context Update: Pastrami, the fabulously overpaid IIM A graduate, is without doubt the brains of the family. If anyone has any doubts with regards to any facet of life they immediately turn to the vast intellect of the Pastrami. This is particularly true of the little children who are encouraged to interact with Uncle Pastrami so that they too may grow up into outstanding pillars of society with a CA and MBA. In a lesser man this may have caused anxiety and pressure. But Pastrami takes this in his Bally-shod stride.

Until today apparently.

S: “So what happened?”

P: “This little fellow, one of my cousin sister’s children, runs up to me and demands to be spoken to. So I set aside my Blackberry and sat down for a chat with him…”

What followed was most mirthful:

Pesky Kid: “So Uncle Pastrami you know Harry Potter no?”

P: “Yes of course. I like Potter very much. Also the movies. Have you noticed how that Hermione Granger, of late, is turning into one… err… mature, educated individual?”

PK: “I like her also. But yesterday I saw on TV that JK Rowling has said that Aldus Dumbledor is actually gay…”

P: “Ahem… cough… cough… yes…”

PK: “What does gay mean?”

P: “What??!!”

PK: “Gay. Rowling said that Dumbledore is gay. I want to know what is gay. What is gay?”

By now our Pastrami is getting a little concerned. The word “gay” is not bandied about with such (hehe) gay abandon in the normal Rajasthani household. They frown upon such things and beyond a point can get all worked up till, when they can handle it no more, they go stand in a pool of stagnant water, blindfold themselves and try to dislodge trinkets from the feet of doves only by throwing sharp daggers…

Oops. Right location. Wrong story.

But back to the original story. Pastrami is heating up under the collar and the pesky kid is turning into a pain in his Rajasthan if you know what I mean.

PK: “WHAT IS GAY? WHAT IS GAY? WHAT IS GAY? WHAT IS GAY?”

P: “OK OK OK OK. I will tell you…”

PK: “Thanks uncle…”

Pastrami called the kid aside and began at the very top. A complete and explicit description of what love was, how a man and woman come together and how children, the fruits of a consummated marriage, were conceived and born.

PK: “That’s awesome uncle. So you are saying that right after marriage my father and mother decided they must have a child…”

P: “Yes…”

PK: “And then downloaded me from the internet…”

P: “Ahem… exactly…”

PK: “But mom told me that it was a very painful and long nine months before I was born…”

P: “Yes. Well… err… ahem… aha… see the internet was very slow in those days… you know how long it takes to download just one video file… That Paris Hilton thing for instance…”

PK: “What?”

P: “What?”

PK: “… anyways… so now tell me what is gay…”

P: “See gay is when a man likes another man… or when a woman likes another woman. And not just like but also love.”

PK: “Like mom and papa like you said?”

P: “Correct. So they hug and kiss and all…”

PK: “So wait… all those girls in Chak De India… they also hug and kiss after goals and everything no? Are they also all gay and loving each other in their hostel rooms and all?”

At this moment Pastrami paused to let that entire picture form in his mind and play itself out over several minutes. In great vivid detail. Especially Preeti Sabarwal. And that goalkeeper.

Pause for reader introspection.

PK: “Or all those boys in Rang De Basanti…”

And that image came crashing down in Pastrami’s mind.

P: “No no. That is just close friendship.”

PK: “Oh…” Puzzled…

P: “Gay people like each other a lot. They want to live with other people of the same sex. Boy with boy. And girl with girl. But this is not liked by everyone. They say it is a bad thing and not how people should be. Most people think that men should love only women and women should love only men.”

PK: “Oh! So THAT is why everyone is upset that Dumbledore is gay… Everyone thinks it is not… correct…”

So far so good. Besides the obvious discomfort Pastrami had actually managed to endure that trial in great form.

Sidin: “Not bad at all Pastrami. I think you handled it well. Sure you gave that kid a skewed view of sexuality, he will say something stupid in school, other kids will make fun of him, his childhood will be scarred. He may even become an outcast. No one will mix with him or be his friend. But then he is going to be a CA anyways…”

P: “Point…”

S: “So why are you so worked up dude…”

P: “Well remember last week you send me an SMS asking me if you could pick up a DVD from my library in Bandra?”

S: “Yes. Thanks a ton for that man…”

P: “Remember that you send me an SMS back after I said ok?”

S: “Yes…” I gently waved at the waiter for the bill. My spider sense began to tingle…

P: “Pesky kid picked up the Blackberry while I was away tasting the Tawa Mushroom…”

S: “Oh heck…”

The waiter placed the bill before me. I pushed it across the table.

P: “Why did you have to send me that man…”

S: “Well I meant ‘I Love You Pastrami’ in a platonic sense man. But you have my photo on the Blackberry don’t you? And photo caller id?”

P: “Hmm…”

Pesky kid, filled with emotion, picked up the berry and ran into the living room where assorted elders had communed to taste the rehearsal lunch.

“Uncle Pastrami is gay, Uncle Pastrami is gay, Uncle pastrami us gay, he loves a man, he loves man, he loves a man…”

We both got up and walked slowly towards the coffee shop door. I put my hand around Pastrami’s shoulder in a comforting fashion.

He mumbled under his breath: “Don’t do that man. Not now.”

I nodded as we both walked out with a respectable distance between us.

Much blogging is in progress. Posting will happen soon. But till then I leave you with what should become a very very popular email forward soon enough. An example of gargantuan stupidity. I rue the lady who got this cake for her party. Wait, even she would have laughed at this one:

Thanks to Blue Lullaby for the image. Please to leave similar examples of stupidity from your own life in the comments. Committed by other people of course!

Thats what them Malaysians say when they meet someone!
Now before I put down all my copious notes and research on Malaysia into a decent-sized travelogue I need to put the nose to the grindstone and catch up with hajaar pending work. And also put out some notices.

Notice 1: The book project is coming along nicely. A few publishers are being spoken too. It will be anthology of essays, articles and travel pieces. Best blogs, and columns and so on. And a lot of new material. So spare a prayer for that. Let’s hope it makes a little whimper amongst all the screaming from new english writers in India everywhere

You can help me by telling which posts are definitely shoo in. So drop me a plugoo when you get the time.

Notice 2: In other news I have a couple of excellent internships up for grabs. Six month long projects with an interesting outfit who is assessing HR practises within top name companies and then bringing out a high profile report. (Top!) Perfect for someone looking to do an MBA and searching out for a great project / CV point. So if you are interested, OR, know someone who is then drop me a mail right away. Use. the ‘I’m Listening’ link on top. Two people is all I need. BTW good money, fame, networking and moderate publicity.

(Update @ 4:54 PM IST: The internship is Full Time. So sorry if you are a strategy consultant looking for more work ‘cos his work-life balance simply does not suck enough.)

More posts and updates as the day progresses.

Unfortunately time pressures and a laptop less Sunday means I have nothing original to blog about for the time being. However I do have the latest Businessline column to cross-post. Sneaky third-rate manipulation of regular readers no doubt. But better than nothing no?
However expect a blog post about the successful completion of the fabled GM diet last night and the ensuing feeling of hilarity at slightly better fitting jeans and shirts that have more room (not quite flapping around me in the wind yet.)

Over the weekend a few people had the idea that I must select a cross-section of my blogs/columns/whatever and publish them in book form after duly groveling around for a publisher. There was a show of hands in favour of the move. I continue to dilly-dally.

And finally, if the powers wills it and a visa and ticket are forthcoming, a four-day dash and splash to Malaysia (Truly Asia!) is in the offing. KL and Genting to be precise. Do drop hints on how to make maximum use of my time in a way that I can tell all about it to the missus when I return. Is there a desi-blog crowd there by any chance? Will blog from there if all goes well of course. And will keep the Petronas pics to a minimum.

Without further ado on with the column and off I go kicking off work for the next issue of JAM.

—*—

(The version you see in the actual newspaper is different from this for pretty obvious reasons.)

What is common to the words dollar, pound, dirham, rial, peso, gourde, ouguiya and ariary?

If you thought “Hey! These are all funny sounding words that appear right in the beginning of a humour article in a major Indian business daily published out of Chennai!” then, technically, you think right but I sincerely hope you are not involved in a business function other than HR.

In reality these words are all names of currencies of various countries all over the world. And why am I talking about currency today? That is because in today’s column we are going to learn a little bit about the concept of ‘currency’, how it evolved and how currency, in theory, and money supply, in practice, is extremely critical to the functioning of an economy like India’s and even more so in mine.

Let us start with the basics. Currency is as defined as a unit of exchange that facilitates the transfer of goods and services. Or, as us humour columnists put it, “That wonderful thing that all the people with regular jobs seem to have a lot of and which is the primary reason we make friends with people in the banking and investments circles who have expense accounts.”

Currency, or money, in paper and metal form has become such a part of our daily lives that we tend to completely forget about it and take it for granted. Then suddenly, one dark and gloomy night, we are traveling in a cab to our homes and suddenly remember that we haven’t carried our wallet. In fact we don’t even have a wallet. We then tell the cabbie to stop under a tree a few minutes from our home in order to relieve ourselves in peace. We then walk a few steps before breaking into a mad dash for our building. We have managed to escape somehow.

The above was a completely fictional incident made up for the express purpose of this column. But it brings out the huge role that currency plays in our lives.

Now before the advent of the concept of currency man had a terrible time trying to buy and sell stuff. A typical conversation between a shopkeeper and a customer would be as follows:

Customer: “Two apricots please!”

Shopkeeper: “Here you go! That will be four dollars!”

Customer: “But this is before the advent of the concept of currency dude…”

Shopkeeper: “Dammit!”

Of course I am exaggerating here. In reality that period in history saw the widespread adoption of the barter system whereby people just exchanged things with each other. For instance you might get two horses for forty chickens. (Twenty-five chickens if the horses were Chinese.)

But this led to several problems.

First of all you sometimes never found someone who had horses to exchange for your chicken. But you found someone who had pineapples and wanted chickens. So all you needed was a guy who wanted pineapples in return for horses. Alas, then you found someone who loved pineapples but had only, say, primitive table lamps to offer. So a lot of people ended up hanging around for hours at the market. This alone slowed human progress by several thousands of years.

Secondly you could never store your goods for use at a later day. So while the other guy had horses that he could keep for months you had to barter potatoes that, after a week, began developing fungus colonies the size of horses. This led to tremendous amounts of business rivalry and even industrial espionage. Then finally, after years of lost trades and bad produce, tradesmen struck upon the concept that would change business in the world forever, namely credit period.

“Thanks for the bananas man! Your cheque will be here in just three days!” the evil trader would say. “Sure! No problems boss!” his counterpart would reply feeling very confident, “I am sure you are a man of your word!” The trader would then ride away to a safe distance before letting out a loud evil laugh (Muahahaha) because, ironically, banking was still several centuries away.

Thankfully before long the people of ancient Egypt came up with the idea of currency to help in all financial transactions. They used silver ingots to represent an equivalent value of stored grain. This way the value of the silver and the ingot itself was standardized.

Egyptian paymaster: “Here take this silver ingot you builder!”

Builder: “Wait a minute! Is this some sort of pyramid scheme?!”

The rest, as they say, is monetary policy.

Later on the Chinese began to get a little sick of carrying around coins and decided to substitute it with paper money. Before long wallets became an essential part of Men’s fashions and people were circulating banknotes with little poems on them with words that often rhymed with ‘pluck’ or ‘crass mole’.

Today currency plays a less visible but an all the more important role in our daily lives. Sure we have Debit Cards and Credit Cards that no longer necessitate the carrying of coins or paper money. But without a well managed currency system an economy is in shambles.

For instance if the currency is easy to counterfeit then the market could easily be flooded with copies. Suddenly people use this fake money to buy things and this can actually push up prices due to greater demand. The same thing happens if the people in the government indiscriminately prints notes and mints coins, takes this currency into the market, walked past the junction, behind the post office and into their homes where they spend it at leisure.

Exchange rates are another interesting outcome of national currencies all over the world. Because the value of a currency is stable at least for short periods of times the concept of an exchange rate took shape. This kind of stable currency system is essential for World Trade.

And last of all the currency system led to the development of banking. Banking played a vital role in the development of human society. They helped businessmen, traders, consumers like you and me and, most of all, investment bankers like the guy who has just called me out to lunch at a swanky new Five Star here in Mumbai. He is been behind me for weeks now and waxes his eyebrows. But what the heck.

So I must run now. I hope you enjoyed this little recap of currencies and how they help make our lives better. So the next time you pick up a thousand rupee note and spend it on an insignificant thing like dinner, clothes or life-saving drugs, pause for a moment. Think about the many millennia of evolution that has made that particular note reach your hand. Wonder at the ingenuity of the human mind.

And then send the note to my address.

—*—

(Latest Businessline column. Forgot to cross post it here last week. Hopefully will keep you occupied till I actually write a blog post one of these days.) 
I have some exciting news fresh from the mysterious vaulted chambers of the Ministry of Statistics and Programme Implementation, RK Puram, New Delhi. The inflation rate in our country has come down to a measly 3.52% over the last twelve months as against a whopping 5% as expected by the Reserve Bank Of India.

And boy am I relieved! This drop in inflation has far reaching implications on our economy, all of which you young managers must be well aware of due to the extreme focus and discipline you exercised during the macroeconomics classes during your MBA.

Ha ha! What a fun joke that was!

So without further ado we will leap headfirst into the tumultuous world of inflation and all the associated economic fundae and principals.

First of all inflation, in its most basic sense, explains one of the most fundamental tenets of life: Most ambitious MBA managers find love in secretly imported polymer dolls of outstanding durability that first need to be pumped up with air and then you gently…

Whoa! Whoa! Wrong inflation!

No I’m talking about the inflation that is a measure of how prices for regularly consumed commodities rise and fall over a period of time. It is a fundamental fact of life that prices for everything we use almost always rise over a period of time unless Chinese imports are allowed.

For instance pop over to your grandparents and ask them how much rent they paid for their palatial two-bedroom apartment downtown in 1975. They will mention some ridiculously small number in the region of ten rupees a month. The same apartment today is being occupied by a Tata, Birla or Ambani. And that too on housing loan.

Inflation describes the mechanics of these price rises and then, since this alone is so fundamentally simple to understand, economists connect them to other complex elements in the economy such as money supply, interest rates and global warming. Suddenly everything is so confusing and people are winning Nobel Prizes.

Let’s move on and understand inflation in greater detail.

First of all there are two, you guessed it, economic schools of thought when it comes to the causes of inflation. The first is the monetarist school of thought that believes that all economic activity can be described in terms of money supply. According to them if the supply of money is greater than the demand for money, then this gives rise to inflation.

This has never happened in my life so far.

(Warning: In order to avoid confusion I am overly simplifying the economics in this fortnight’s column. What you are reading right now is akin to describing Nuclear Weapons as follows: Boom!)

For a long time economists were cool with this simple idea of inflation till it suddenly occurred to some of them that there was a serious flaw with the monetarist theory: Potential to be understood by normal people.

They immediately rectified it by coming up with a new school of economic theory known as the Keynesian school named after the famous economist John Maynard Keynes who once famously said: “In the long run, we are all dead.” He was not quite the life of the tea party, if you know what I mean.

The Keynesian school states that money supply in addition to interest rates, and output (of something or the other which I will not detail now) all add up to causing inflation. Also, and I cannot reiterate this enough, a central conclusion of Keynesian economics is that there is no strong automatic tendency for output and employment to move toward full employment levels. In the ‘neoclassical synthesis’, which combines Keynesian macro concepts with a micro foundation, the conditions of General equilibrium allow for price adjustment to achieve this goal.

Phew!

This new definition was a triumph for economists everywhere because anyone without a PhD in Economics nodded along as they heard this theory and then, suddenly, requested for a bathroom break from whence they never returned. By this time Nobel prizes are being flung around like confetti in a confetti-flinging contest.

Suddenly there was increased interest in Economics at a scale never seen before. Universities opened departments all over the world, Economists where being hired in droves and everyone lived happily ever after.

But that is not the point of this column. In fact I encourage you to email me the point of all this when you find it. I meanwhile continue relentlessly.

Now first of all, a drop in inflation means that prices for several commodities are dropping. Which does not meant that you should immediately go out and do your shopping now while inflation is low. No sir. This is because inflation is measured in shops where these goods are sold but which are not open to public you and me.

It is measured from outlets secretly operated and observed by the people at the Ministry of Statistics and Programme Implementation. (Black suits, dark glasses and armed with lethal scientific calculators with graphing functions.)

A word is due here about what this 3.52% and 5%means. The MOSPI measures inflation on a periodic basis by using what is known as a ‘price index”. This is a weighted index of the prices of various commodities. The price of this basket of goods is measured over a period of time and the rise and fall of the total price is what is reported as inflation.

This means that even if inflation falls significantly over a period of time you may not save too much money because the drop in inflation could be entirely due to fall in prices of nuclear reactors.

So inflation can be a little confusing if we don’t look at it closely.

A prolonged and detailed scrutiny of the overall inflation in the economy reveals both the subtle mechanics underlying price movements and the fact that you need to go out a little more and meet new people.

Now that our fundae on inflation is crystal clear we move on to understand the impact of this in our daily lives.

First of all inflation has an effect in interest rates. If inflation goes up a lot the RBI tends to jack up interest rates. This is an important fact I copied ditto from Wikipedia.

In addition to this there is a tendency for exchange rates to move as well. Some of you may have noticed that the Rupee-Dollar exchange rate has become very low in the recent past. This will make many of you young managers very happy and patriotic. Which is a good thing as many of you in the Software industry are being fired as we speak.

Other things also mysteriously happen because of inflation. People tend to swap cash for other valuables like gold. In fact there is currently a huge demand for gold in the Indian market and most of it from my wife alone.

And let’s not even get into the impact of inflation on FDI inflows which, I have been told, is “huge”.

Man! After that prolonged treatise on inflation all I can think of is inflating this brand new, Pamela… err… read this interesting book on Indian Economic History and take down several insightful notes.

See you all next fortnight.