My baby between the times of 3 and 4 AM: A poem.

I am hot.
I am cold.
This is a blanket? This is not a blanket. Do not insult me.
Are you sleeping?
You are really sleeping.
I have pooped.
Change me.
Ha. I had not pooped.
I had not even peed.
Amuse me by trying to sleep again.
WHO SWITCHED OFF THE LIGHT?
I am feeling very sleepy.
My eyes... they are droopy.
I am almost asleep.
I am asleep.
No I am not.
Fool.
Hiccup. Hiccup. Hiccup. Hiccup. Hiccup. Google "newborn severe hiccups" if you truly love me. Hiccup.
I am hot.
Feed me.
Feed me now.
This is not a human nipple.
What is this? I hate this.
Give me boob now.
Very good.
Look at me.
Do not look at the iPad when you're feeding me, stupid woman.
Look. At. Me.
I am full.
No I am not.
I am full.
No I am not.
I am full.
Really.
I am quite full.
Stop this. What nonsense.
Do you like this sweatshirt you are wearing?
Is this your favourite sweatshirt?
Oh this is the first one you bought after losing weight?
Really?
Vomit.
I enjoyed that. Go change.
Pull my finger.
POOP!
Look, we can all act as if this nappy change can wait till the next feeding.
Or you can be a responsible parent and change me now.
Guilt. You adults are so predictable.
Personal best there I think.
From a sheer quantity perspective.
Edge to nappy edge.
Is this cotton wool from Tesco? What kind of family is this? 
I am hot.
Sing me a song.
Ugh. Hindi song please.
Hand me over to mummy.
MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY YAY YAY YAY.
Not that song.
Not that song.
Not that song.
Not that song.
That song.
I am cold.
I SLEPT OFF FOR TWO MINUTES AND YOU PLACED ME IN A COT? I HATE YOU I HATE YOU POOP VOMIT PEE POOP
Mmmmmmm... adult bed... love adult bed...
Smile. Smile. Smile. CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY.
Have you tried white noise?
According to Mumsnet white noise remind babies of the womb.
This is white noise?
Ha ha. Garbage.
Remove that obscene sound.
Mumsnet it seems. Charlatans.
Who will burp me? Your father? Burp me.
What time is it?
3:53 AM.
Think I am ready to sleep now.
Is one of my eyes smaller than the other. No? Google urgently.
CODE BROWN! CODE BROWN! CODE BROWN! 
Change me.
Where is the fresh nappy?
Go on. I will give you a minute.
Muahahahahahahaha. No I won't.
Urine trouble now. LOL. Please RT.
Place me in the cot while you clean the bed.
Play some white noise.
Dim the lights?
Naaaaice.
I will sleep now.
Love me.
I am cold.