Chipolata’s vanderfool email

With all this frequent referencing to Pastrami here it is easy to think that I have only one friend in all of Mumbai, i.e. Pastrami. But this is not true at all.
I have at least one more: the great Chipolata BSc. LLB.

Chipolata is this wonderful and most lively woman who is party animal by night, top notch lawyer by day and, all too rarely, an inventive email composer as we will soon see.

So earlier tonight we were all chilling out at that Barista behind Lilavathi when Pastrami mentioned an email of Chipolata’s that had become quite the rage in the legal circles some months ago. It was, actually, a harmless invitation to watch a cricket match at her place. But, once Chipolata had wielded here adept lawyerly skills at it, it became this funny as hell masterpiece:

(Whatay warning: Whereas anyone with a prior exposure to legal documentation will enjoy hereunder email and others may not but then I don’t care and you can hiterto kiss my whereas.)

Dear All,

This email (the “Email“) is with reference to the upcoming match between India and Sri Lanka (the “Match“) as a part of the Cricket World Cup 2007 (the “Cup“) being held in the Caribbean.

Those marked on the Email (collectively referred to as the “Parties” and individually referred to as the “Party“) are considered the poor souls who are either (i) don’t really care about the game; and/or (ii) are too poor to go to the Caribbean for some sun and games; and/or (iii) are to lazy to make the effort for the same; and/or (iv) know that India is not going to win the Cup and therefore what’s the point!; and/or (v) have the money but are misers; and/or (vi) are buried under work (Yea right!); (vii) all other reasons not covered in the foregoing paragraph.

NOW THERFORE in consideration of the mutual covenants and agreements set forth herein and for other good and valuable consideration, the receipt and adequacy of which is hereby acknowledged by the Parties, this email witnesseth and the Parties to the Email agree as follows:

1. The Proposal

1.1 It is proposed that Parties meet to watch the Match and generally enjoy the company of each other at a time, date and venue set out herein below.

1.2 The Match is scheduled to start at 5:00 pm (1700 hours) Indian Standard Time (“IST“) on March 23, 2007. However, Parties agree that since the said date is a business day and all Parties are required to attend their respective offices, the Parties shall gather at a mutually agreed venue (the “Venue“) at a time confirmed by all Parties via return email to this email. The proposed time is 9:00 IST (2100 hrs) subject to confirmation from all Parties.

1.3 Majority of the Parties work in Town (for the purposes of this email Town shall mean the Western length of Mumbai (excluding Navi Mumbai) from Colaba to Parel) and therefore it is proposed that the Venue be in Town. However, if Parties mutually agree that Bandra West, then the Venue shall be shifted to Bandra West.

1.4 This entire Clause 1 is subject to confirmation of the Parties. All confirmations for Clause 1 shall be governed by the procedure set out in Clause 4 of this Email.

2. Bets

All bets, wagers of any kind must be placed before the Match begins, for avoidance of doubt it is clarified that 5:00 pm (1700 hrs) IST shall be taken as the beginning of the Match. It is further clarified that the all bets and wagers may be in the form of cash and/or kind. For the purposes of this Clause bets, wagers of any kind in “kind” shall have the meaning of wagers of goods and not of services.

3. Third Party

3.1 If any Party is desirous of inviting a Third Party, it may do so at its own accord and discretion (the “Inviting Party“).

3.2 The Inviting Party shall be solely responsible for informing the other Parties and the Originator (as defined hereinbelow).

3.3 The Inviting Party warrants that in the event such a Third Party arrives at the Venue and watches the Match with the other Parties, there shall be no blood shed.

3.4 The Inviting Party further warrants and represents that any Third Party so invited shall be bound by this email.

4. Notices

All Notices with respect to the Email shall be marked to all Parties via return email and the same shall be the preferred mode of communication. In the event, a Party is unable to communicate with the other Parties via email, he or she, as the case maybe, shall communicate by means of sms (smart messaging service) or phone calls (telecons). It is clarified that all phone calls shall be routed to the Party’s mobile phone and the use of office phones is strictly prohibited. In the case of an emergency, the use of public phones is allowed.

5. This Email

The Email constitutes and represents the entire email between the Parties on the subject matter hereof and supersedes and cancels all prior emails, agreements, arrangements or understandings, oral or written, between the Parties on the subject matter of the Email.

6. Governing Law

The Email shall be governed by common law principles of good faith, friendship, equity and all such things.

7. Dispute Resolution

If any and all disputes arising out of this mail, they shall be referred to the originator of the email (the “Originator“). The decision of the Originator shall be final and binding on all Parties.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF the Parties have executed this Email the day and year so appearing hereinabove.

Regards,

Chipolata

English Version: Tomorrow when everyone gets off lets meet for dinner, drinks, the match and company at a place agreed amongst all. (GAVAARS if you didn’t understand the above email and had to read this to understand it!)

Bravo! Bravo Chipolata!